So, a friend posted the question, "Why is it so hard for a guy to ask a girl out? You like her, she like you. What it the problem here men?"
Unfortunately for her . . . I answered.
[Darren] Signals, my dear, signals. From a young age we differentiate between "friends" and "lovers". If the relationship has moved into the "friends zone" it's really hard to move it out. The spark that comes with the first attraction when you're just acquaintances changes with friendship. The desire to "get physical" is muted when the person is your ... friend.
If that happens, you have to kick start the romance. This may mean telling the guy your romantic intentions. That you value them as a friend, but truly find them attractive, that they excite you, and would love it if they asked you out. Their response will guide you on how to proceed.
Love and attraction is something that cannot be forced. A square peg may fit into a round hole, but it leaves a lot of gaps. Romance requires a spark.
Later, one of her friends replied
[Conchita] That is a super answer! Thank you. And AMEN to you Lucy for asking the question. You go girl!!!)
Me . . .
[Darren] Just tryin' to be helpful.
She was thankful . . .
[Conchita] Well that was very helpful!) I guess I have to a lot more kick starting. Lol ;)
So another of her friends decides to chime in . . .
[Brenda] Men? Really who understands them.
. . . and this begat this . . .
[Becky] Sorry to say this (Keep in mind I am old and bitter) BOYS SUCK! Gosh, now I feel better. BTW - if you figure this out, let me know.
And now I can't let it go, because, well, it's me.
[Darren] Brenda, remember Men say the same about women. You torment us in our teens then confuse us as adults. That's part of what you have to understand. You were probably making a joke, but what you said is important. Your lack of understanding mirrors our lack of understanding.
Let's use a blunt example:
We meet, touch and smile. It is apparent from body language that you (the female) are very interested in physical contact. You are thinking that the touch of the person you are with would be incredible. If I were to speak openly with you, I'd say, "Brenda, I find you exciting and incredibly sexy. I would really like to slide you out of those jeans and make love to you." Your interest becomes scorn. "What kind of a girl do you think I am?!", you may say. Well, from the signals I received, one who is as horny as I am. But you have now shut down the guy for speaking to you honestly based upon the physical signals you sent.
I am not suggesting ANYONE should mate with someone of the opposite sex just because they're feeling physically "wound up". I simply use this as an extreme example of how we all want the same goal (dating, relationship, sex, marriage, etc.) but express our desires differently.
Simplify your signals and you may find it easier to read those of others.
. . . and then I couldn't stop . . .
[Darren] Conchita, you'd be surprised how much a coy smile and a lingering touch does to kick-start a relationship.
. . . and on I went . . .
[Darren] . . . and Becky, not to be crass, but boys who suck are not the kind you want to date. They play with a different set of rules and you are not their "target market".
. . . and now the friend fears things are spiralling out of control . . .
[Penelope] oh wow .ok so maybe i should of not ask this ?.. It is geting a little out of hand. Just whated to know why . So sorry .
. . . and I can't let go . . .
[Darren] Chill, Pickle! I did not use profanity and I honestly answered the question.
So the friend feels obligated to respond . . .
[Penelope] Darren , ok ok. just dont what to hurt any ones feelings. guess just haveing a hard time with this one. I think it is just one of those days. we all have them right? Im going to blame it on the rain. thanks they for being honesly, You were all way a good friend. But it is ture the single men i know do not ask the woman out, I was just geing on my soap box. i have found that i really like them at times. ( the soap boxes )
. . . su soapbox, mi soapbox . . .
[Darren] . . . but, I think it stinks that some guys (nee', boys) don't have the intestinal fortitude necessary to ask a woman out. A fear of rejection is a loss of happiness. Come on, guys. Make a moment, a memory, a lifetime, an eternity. If failure is your only option then step aside for those who embrace the gift of life by living.
1 comment:
Wow! I didn't realize you worked in a junior high. jk I think it is good that you all expressed your opinions and feelings, but it sounds like you were talking from a "life experience" standpoint and they were all coming from a place of "girls/women who are victims of boys/men who should be able to read minds".
I completely understand what you were saying, and mostly agree ;) but most women have no idea how a man is wired. We can sit next to a female friend, rubbing her back, her feet, running our fingers through her hair, etc., and it is just "friendly affection". A lot of women don't understand why they can't do the same with a guy friend. "Our" intention as females is to be loving and affectionate toward someone we enjoy spending time with, not to send signals of lust. Yet, when the shoe is on the other foot, like with your friend, we can't understand why a guy who we are "sending signals to" seems to be oblivious.
After all, didn't I brush my hand against his at the copy machine? Doesn't he notice how I always make sure we are sitting across from each other in the break room? How I always seem to notice the tag sticking out or the piece of lint on his back so I have an excuse to touch him?
Why can't a woman (or man) just say what they want?! Is rejection REALLY worse than pining away, waiting for the person to notice you?
My only "problem" with your conversation is the tendency for "men" to think/speak in a way that feels vulgar to me. I still expect them to "talk like a nice young lady" lol Instead of saying, "I'd like to slide you out of those jeans and make love to you", most guys I have known (I know, I know) would say something like, "I would like to rip those jeans off and F*(% you until you can't walk" That tends to make a woman back off a little even if they WERE interested.
"We" usually think of love and sex and relationships in the fairy tale sense (notice how you never see what happens on the honeymoon?). We meet our Prince, he falls in love with us, he takes us to his strong, safe castle, and we live happily ever after. Of course, sex is going to happen, and we look forward to it, but it is just part of the package of LOVE & SECURITY. (I am not discounting the occasional desire for a no holds barred, animal-like mate fest)
"You" seem to see it as a way to have sex, and giving us love and security is the way to get it.
Wow! Look at me, the expert, huh? lol This just touched a nerve, cuz the girls/women didn't seem to get it at all, and it got me thinking about how I would have reacted if I had been there, and Voila! you get a 10 page comment. :)
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